HolisticDetective DGcase1
by embracechaosdg
Summary: So, I have decided to post every #HolisticDetective case here for future reference. These are the tales of @EmbraceChaos(underscore) and @MacDuffR on the Twitter, continuing the short-lived Dirk Gently TV series in the vain hope that the BBC will take some notice. Yes, I copy and paste every tweet into a document. WHAT OF IT?


#HolisticDetective - #DGcase1

Dirk Gently - EmbraceChaos_ - D

Richard MacDuff - MacDuffR - M

Janet Fortune - JanetFortune1 - J

D  
#DGcase1  
Dirk's car splutters it's way up the road, stopping at 24 Builard Street. The #HolisticDetective makes his 'heroic' appearance, straightening his tie, before slamming the door shut. He inhales sharply before opening the front garden gate, closing it behind him (like any gentleman would) and proceeding along the path.

Earlier, the office received a phone call from one Miss. Janet Fortune ( JanetFortune1 ) asking for Dirk's help. Well, by the office received, Dirk pushed past Janice's unhelpful ego and answered the phone himself. She said that she suspected that she was being stalked. She even chased a figure across a field once, before giving up.  
She also said that she was unable to visit the office herself, for fear of the stalker following her. Dirk agreed to come on over to her house himself to attempt to discover details about this mystery stalker, and more importantly, settle the small matter of his fee.

He pressed the doorbell and took a few steps back, using the precious pearls of time he had between the present and the extremely-near future to straighten his tie. With that, the door swung open rather violently, and he laid eyes on Janet for the first time.  
"Dirk, Dirk Gently, holistic detective! I believe we spoke on the phone earlier!" He said, with a rather big smile upon his face.

J  
Oh, yes, of course! I'm Janet! *pulls a little OMG face* Come on in! *steps to the side, making room*  
D  
*he grinned before pushing past her and making himself comfortable on the sofa*  
J  
*she shrugged and closed the door gently, before sitting down on the opposite chair*  
D  
Any chance of tea? *grins, looking round at the various posters covering the walls*  
J  
Uh... *raises an eyebrow in confusion* Maybe later. Anyway. Shall we get to business?  
D  
Yes... I should begin by noting down anything you can remember about him. *he pulls out a little notepad and pen* -  
- My methods of detection are based on an almost unswerving belief in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.

J  
. EmbraceChaos_ #DGcase1  
"Well..." *purses her lips* "I didn't really get a good look at him. It was dark, he was quite shadowy. All I remember is this lanky figure appearing behind one of the bushes one day. It was then I noticed everything else! Hearing noises outside in the night, mail going missing; little things but it all adds up.

I remember I was walking my friend's cat in the field, Karen, and I had this strange feeling I was being watched. Even the cat must've sensed /something/. She was restless the whole way there. It was the same figure I saw in the bush! I shouted, but he just disappeared, naturally."

She narrowed her eyes at Dirk a little bit, concentrated on his frantic scribbling down on his notepad. "Do you have to write /everything/ I say?"

D  
Sorry, force of habit. *he finishes writing the last sentence* Well, Janet, can I call you Janet?  
J  
*she smiles at him slightly* Of course.  
D  
Janet, I have full faith that myself and my sidekick will track down and apprehend this stalker. Have you called the police?  
J  
My goodness, it completely slipped my mind, should I?  
D  
No no! Don't. I can handle it. *he mutters to himself* Don't wanna get Gilks involved...  
J  
*she moves to say something but the doorbell suddenly goes* Oh, what now? *goes to get up*  
D  
/I'll/ get it. *he stands up, pushing her back down as he moves past, and opens the door*  
J  
*at the door is a delivery man, pizza in the box under his arm* "Pizza?"  
D  
*he hesitates before answering* Has this been paid for online already?  
J  
*the boy nods*  
D  
In that case, *he plucks it from the boy* I'll take it! Thanks, bye!  
J  
*the boy walks away, shaking his head*  
D  
I'll just... Pop that there... *he runs outside quickly to place the pizza by her front gate, out of her view, before returning*  
J  
Will that be all?  
D  
Well Janet, there is the small matter... Of my /fee/...  
J  
Oh, yes, of course! Well, I'll be sure to pay you once the stalker has been apprehended. *grins*  
D  
Excellent! Well then, *opens the front door, again* I shall be in touch! *makes his way down the path*  
J  
Bye! *she waves before closing the door*  
D  
. JanetFortune1 #DGcase1  
He slowly makes his way out of her front garden, being sure to pick up the pizza he had originally left out there. [Ah, nothing like a pizza for the detective mind.] Now utterly carefree, he walks the short distance to the Austin Leyland Princess just waiting to cough into life. Before he could make it though, he tripped over a rather specially placed brick.

"What the..?" He pulls himself up and swivels to examine the brick. His eyes narrow as he spots a post-it note attached to the underside. He pulls it off, swiftly running his eyes over the words. "Misfortune shall visit all." He narrows his eyes again, examining the local area, before scrunching the note up and placing it in his top pocket.

He stands up again, hoping to make his relatively easy journey to his car complete. He throws the brick onto the passenger seat, carefully placing the pizza on top, before turning the ignition multiple times, to only receive a number of spelookles, crunches and kerplunks, before the engine eventually turned over, and set him on his merry way.

…..

M  
-txt- Just got home. Susan at work. Office to discuss case? -Md  
D  
-txt- On my way. If Princess will work. -DG

M  
-txt- Where are you? -Md  
D  
-txt- Princess was having a moment. Will be there soon. -DG  
D  
*he swerves violently to avoid that pizza delivery boy in the street. the one from earlier* "Hey!" Watch it!  
D  
-txt- I also nearly ran over a pizza delivery boy. On way now. -DG  
M  
-txt- Riiight. -Md

D  
. MacDuffR #DGcase1  
The car spluttered and coughed once more, finally arriving outside Dirk's office. He stepped out, not forgetting pizza and brick, and sashayed inside.  
"Ah, Janice!" he said, grin on his face to the secretary. He never paid her, so you can't really blame her 'go die in a well' attitude. "Any chance of you answering the phones?"  
"Absolutely none whatsoever."  
"Brilliant." At that she threw a hole-punch at him. Dirk was able to duck inside the office before she could, so it simply bounced off the wall, creating yet another crack in it.

"MacDuff! New case! The lovely Janet Fortune has asked us to track down and apprehend her stalker! Now, what is the time? How long have we got to work?

M  
*he swivels round in his chair, the one with the back half-sawn off, Dirk won't buy another one, he's broke* Four-thirty pm.

D  
. MacDuffR #DGcase1  
Excellent! Okay then, no time to waste, wasted time is the time of losers!  
He chucked the pizza box onto the desk, taking a slice and getting to work.  
Dirk grabs his white paint and roller and begins painting over a section of wall. It's not like he can afford a whiteboard, so he just uses the marker pens and paint for now. Every holistic detective needs a thing to draw on. How else can they be expected to make the connections between two seemingly random occurrences? If the connections were simple, any old idiot could set themselves up as a holistic detective!

Dirk grabbed the black marker pen, and got to work on his wild drawings.

M  
*takes a slice of pizza*… So... What? "STRANGELY ATTRACTIVE"!? You think every female is strangely attractive.  
D  
Hm... *he nodded slowly* Something's not right here... Too many suspects so quickly...  
M  
There's /one/, the pizza delivery man.  
D  
Yes, it does seem to be a frightful coincidence that I should so happen to meet him twice within twenty minutes...  
M  
Did Janet even order a pizza?  
D  
We don't know... *he writes something else before drawing a big arrow*  
M  
Right. Yeah. I'll send an email to Craig, see what I can get back. *starts typing* Janet Fortune...  
D  
Craig? What? Who's Craig, why haven't I heard of Craig before?  
M  
Craig. You know Craig! From uni it's... It's Craig! I doubt he wanted to keep in touch after what you pulled.  
D  
… Right. *he turns back to the board* We need a plan.  
M  
Done. Sent the email. Plan? Uh... I don't really know.

D  
Once again we must rely on randomness and chaos to solve the case. I still feel that all of these events are part of an interconnected web that will soon, sure enough, make itself clear. Simply by following the common thread, the stalker's location will unravel.

M  
And how do you plan to do that?  
D  
If we stalk her ourselves, we might just run into the stalker whilst we're doing it!  
M  
What? Are you insane!?  
D  
Nope! *he grabs his coat* Coming?  
M  
Maybe tomorrow, I've got a date with Susan.  
D  
*he stops, before flinging his coat back over the chair* Yes... 'Course. Tomorrow. *he nods*  
M  
Right, well, I may as well go. Susan's coming back from work in about ten minutes. See you later, Dirk. *he walks out of the door, into the street*  
D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR JanetFortune1 *takes a few steps back to admire his handiwork on the board* m1JbfnbN

…...

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
Dirk crashed out onto the sofa in his house once more. It was a daily occurrence. If everything was a skill, crashing out on sofas would have been his forte.

His eyes scanned the area. Ever since the escapade with his last cleaner, (which turned out to be a ghost assassin working for the mafia) Dirk had to hire a brand new cleaner. Had her for the last month or so now. About three weeks ago, she realised the lack of money in her bank account from Dirk for her services. But she won't stop. Oh no. Like the previous previous cleaner, instead of tidying up, she simply messes everything up. The hole in the floor's been fixed, so there's no danger of death, but this was still like some horror movie for OCD sufferers.

Dirk flung one arm off the sofa, frantically searching about for his phone amongst the rubble. The tip of his finger just tapped the edge of the screen, and in an instant, Dirk was after it, scrabbling around before grabbing it and pressing the power button. Like the light that first shone at the beginning of the universe, his eyes were graced with the sight of his lock screen. Quickly he made his way to the Messaging function, and sent a text to MacDuffR .

-txt- At home now. Meet at office to discuss case? -DG

M  
-txt- Okay. On way. Be there soon. -Md

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR

Dirk arrives at the office on foot (the Princess decided to break down again) and promptly pushed unlocked the doors that Janice was kind enough to lock as soon as she saw him coming. He dumped his jacket on top of his rather bandaged laptop before pushing it off onto the floor. He swivelled round and round in his chair before re-examining the board.

M  
*he turns up at the office, greeting Janice before going in to meet Dirk* So, any developments?  
D  
Not as such... So! *claps his hands, turning round* Up for a stalk? *grins*  
M  
Is this really the only option?  
D  
Yep! *he grabs his coat off the floor, brushing fluff and whatnot off before putting it on*  
M  
*reluctantly puts his own coat on before following Dirk onto the street* Where's the car?  
D  
Ah. Yes. The Princess has taken a turn for the worse. The battle-hardened warrior is reaching the end.  
M  
It does that every time you turn left. Or right.  
D  
That violent swerve to avoid the pizza boy last night was undoubtedly a possible cause. Still, no time to waste!  
M  
Right... *he set off, following Dirk until they reached their destination*

D  
*promptly arrives at JanetFortune1's house and makes his way behind & over the fence in her back garden*  
M  
This is ridiculous. *reluctantly follows him*  
D  
We have to do this if we're to find the stalker! Janet's stalker, the other one, not us, that would be too easy.  
J  
*all of the curtains are closed, but the faint sounds of conversation can be heard within*  
M  
Who else is in there?

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR JanetFortune1  
"Nobody, I think she's talking on the phone."  
And with that, a carefully placed ladder fell on the dynamic duo. Dirk managed to jump out of the way, but MacDuff was hit full force with one of the rungs.  
At this moment, Dirk was more worried about Janet seeing them, leading to the nullification of his invoice that he so desperately needed, than he was about MacDuff's current predicament. MacDuff let loose a number of curse words, jumping and running about, clutching his forehead.  
"MacDuff, would you kindly SHUT UP!?"

M  
A LADDER FELL ON ME, MY BRAIN COULD BE DAMAGED!  
D  
No change there, then- Quick, get down! *he pushes MacDuff down behind the fence*  
J  
*the conversation can still be heard faintly from within*

D  
#DGcase1 JanetFortune1 MacDuffR  
"Relax, I don't think she heard."

He turns his head to look down at the ladder, discovering a post-it note on the very top rung. He walks over, crouches down, and plucks the post-it off.

"MacDuff... Look."

He turns it towards MacDuff so that he can read it. It has the same scrawny handwriting that the first note had, and the exact same words. 'Misfortune will visit all.'

M  
D'ya think it's some sort of... clue?  
D  
Undoubtedly... *he frowns, concentrating for a while* MacDuff, you go back to the office.  
M  
Why?  
D  
I'll make an impromptu visit to Janet... And see if I can't figure anything out.

J  
*she walks to the door, having heard the doorbell, and opens it* #DGcase1 [remove MacDuffR]  
D  
Ah, Janet, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you had any other details about this stalker?  
J  
Y-Yes, well. I'll try to help as much as possible.

D  
#DGcase1 JanetFortune1  
"Excellent!" He barged past her into the living room before crashing out on the sofa. As said previously, Dirk was a master at this. His skills were better applied in the field.

Once crashed out, his eyes scanned the room. They were adapted to looking for his phone amongst a room of rubbish, clutter and general crap. Now he was in foreign territory. It was then he laid eyes upon the fireplace, and more importantly, what looked like a family portrait on top of it. Husband? Boyfriend? Father? Not that one. Dirk concentrated long and hard, not saying a word, forgetting about Janet, who was now staring in a mixture of confusion and repulsion at him.

"Sorry, Janet, I kind of zoned out there." He pointed at the picture. "Who's that gentleman there?"

J  
Him? Oh. Well, that's Bruce Daley. My boyfriend. Only, he's no longer with us.  
D  
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. *takes out his notepad* What did he do as a living?  
J  
*a look of worry appears on her face for a brief moment before turning to one of sadness* Lawyer. #DGcase1  
D  
*was too busy writing to notice* Lawyer. Okay. Anything else you'd like to tell me?  
J  
I think I saw the stalker again. Yesterday. This figure from across the road, just standing there for what seemed like hours!  
D  
That all? *he huffed, he was hoping to get a lot more out of her*  
J  
*she nods* Well, it was a pleasure meeting you again, Mr Gently.  
D  
And you, Miss Fortune. *he smiles, starting off on his long journey home*

…..

D  
*turns up at the office to see the receptionist's chair empty* Where's Janice?  
M  
*he looked up at the curly-haired detective* Went home. She does have work hours, y'know.  
D  
Right, yes, of course. All I found out was that her boyfriend was a lawyer.  
M  
Helpful. *nods* In actual news, I got an email back from Craig. It turns out that things are very complex.  
D  
Craig? Who? Oh wait, I remember. Carry on.  
M  
Prior to us, she's hired three detectives to solve this 'stalker' business. #DGcase1  
D  
Three detectives? What're their names?  
M  
Lola Radcliffe, David Clarke and David Brooklyn. Her boyfriend was a detective too, but he left.  
D  
What!? What was his name!?  
M  
Uh... Bruce Daley. He ditched her in favour of the maid six months ago.

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
Dirk's eyes widen at the name. Bruce Daley? He plucks out his notepad. Staring at it in horror, he realises that that's the name of Janet's late boyfriend. Could they be the same person? Impossible, she said that he was a lawyer, not a detective. Then again, Dirk never liked to dismiss the impossible. It has a certain integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.

He grabs his infamous marker pen and begins adding more and more to the wall.  
"MacDuff, while at Janet's house, I was informed that she had a boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend. He's no longer with us. Anyway, /she/ told me that he was a lawyer, not a detective. His name was Bruce Daley..."

He rushes back and forth, nearly tripping over the rubble.

M  
#DGcase1 EmbraceChaos_  
MacDuff sat down in the chair. The one with the back missing. Entirely. He's nearly fell over a few times. 'At least we've got a case' MacDuff thought in his mind. He began attempting to solve the case. He usually left that to Dirk, but he fancied himself as a little Sherlock Holmes.  
He frowned, furrowing his brows in concentration before giving up after five seconds. 'What the hell, not like I'm getting paid!'.

He spots Dirk nearly tripping up over all of the rubbish. Clearly he liked to embrace the chaos in all aspects of the phrase.

"Aren't you even going to clean up?"

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
"/FINE/."

He grabbed the worn pizza box, about to throw it into the corner before noticing something. There. In the corner. A little black device, no larger than a pea. He held a finger to his lips, turning to MacDuff.

"SSSHH"

He plucked out the device, and threw it through the window.

"MacDuff... The pizza box was bugged.

M  
Bugged!? Who'd bug our pizza box?  
D  
The pizza boy, evidently... Things are becoming nicely out of control... #DGcase1 hcqMmRR9

…..

D  
-txt- Meet me at local pizza place in 10. -DG  
M  
-txt- Why? -Md  
D  
-txt- Don't argue. Just do it. See ya there. -DG x

M  
#DGcase1 EmbraceChaos_  
Having arrived by foot, MacDuff slumped slightly on the corner, hands in pockets. The British were the best at dealing with bad weather, even if they do moan incessantly about it. They've got a battle plan for every situation. And for situations like this, slump and hands in pockets would more than suffice. His breath appeared as smoke; it was another chilly day.

He began to whistle to himself, rocking back and forth ever so slightly. The British were the best at doing that, too. It was then he heard the familiar trundle of rubber on asphalt that could be only be Dirk in his Austin Leyland Princess. Still driving that piece of junk, he got it at university. Back in 1992. Yeah, old. Never been serviced, nothing. And then, sure enough, it came round the corner, coming to a slow stop by the pavement. Dirk emerged and dusted himself off. He was a pro at doing that. Most British people were.

"You took your time, Dirk!" MacDuff called, walking up to the car. "Why here?"

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
The holistic detective surveyed his surroundings. Good. The little corner shop also known by locals as 'the pizza place' was situated near two alleyways. Perfect for a quick getaway, should they need it. 'But why was Dirk interested in escape routes?' 'What could possibly be running through his mind?' No doubt that these are the questions currently in your mind. But, as you know, and as Dirk's holistic detective agency has proved, all things are interconnected, including seemingly innocent coincidences. He pushed the door, ringing the bell in the process, stepping in.

"MacDuff... We're going to try and track down the pizza boy."

M  
#DGcase1 EmbraceChaos_  
He moved to walk in but the door slammed shut in his face. Dirk never held the door open. He pushed it himself, ringing the bell again, following Dirk in.

Inside was an incredibly mundane environment. It seemed like London just after the WWII evacuations. Morale on the floor, no sign of joy or colour. The only colour seemed to be the orange emanating from the ovens. Evidently, business wasn't quite booming at this exact moment. And the exact moment was 2:30pm.

Then again, who knows how long this 'exact moment' lasts? For some companies, the phrase could only be relevant to the amount of time it takes to down a cup of mildly warm tea. To others, it could mean the same amount of time that the Hundred Years War lasted for.

"The pizza boy? You mean the suspected stalker?"

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
"Yes, exactly." Dirk nodded. "Cutting straight to the heart of the matter. Now listen up close, y'see that alleyway?"  
MacDuff nodded too.  
"In case this stalker tries to kill us, you run straight for it, go through and work your way back to the office, okay?"

Before MacDuff had a chance to answer, Dirk turned round and walked straight up to the man behind the counter. "Does 'Stephen Layland' work here?" He turned to MacDuff to give a small whisper. "Name badge."

The man shook his head. "Ain't nobody 'ere by that name."  
"Damn." Dirk looked at his feet, thinking. "Never mind! I'll look elsewhere, thanks for your time!" He grinned and strolled out, casually looking left and right as he exited, straight into the eyes of the pizza boy.

M  
Dirk! That's a pizza boy, y'mean him?

D  
#DGcase1 MacDuffR  
"Yes, exactly." Dirk repeated. He took three long strides up to the boy. "Who are you and why are you stalking Janet Fortune!?"  
"You don't understand, I'm not a stalker! I'm an undercover policeman!"  
"What? Undercover?"  
The boy nodded, pulling out a little book that did indeed confirm said information. "We've been tracking Janet ever since two detectives she hired to look for this stalker all died."  
"DIED!?"  
He nodded. "All of seemingly rotten acts of bad luck. Since then, a third was hired, him too dying from some unfortunate occurrence."

M  
Odd indeed. *he frowned* How come they all died by acts of misfortune? Maybe she's cursed or something.

D  
#DONTLOOKBACK #DGcase1 MacDuffR  
"We had to track her, the only records on her referred to a number of counselling sessions she's visited."  
Dirk was deep in thought at this moment, both MacDuff and the 'pizza boy' staring at him in confusion. He was so deep in thought that he managed to completely miss the hooded figure approaching the trio entirely.  
"Misfortune... I believe I've solved the case-" He started, only to be cut off by the person turning the policeman round and punching him in the face.  
"AAHHH MY NOSE!" He promptly fell to the floor. Dirk and MacDuff exchanged a glance before staring at the person for a few moments.  
Dirk whimpered "Run?"  
"Yeah."

In a flash, the two were sprinting off to the alleyway, the other person giving chase. Whilst crossing the road, MacDuff was hit hard in the back of his head by a horseshoe.  
"WHAT THE-" He started, clutching the back of his head, but stopped himself, realising that his priority was getting the hell out of there rather than the horseshoe dent now embedded into his hair. Dirk turns the corner, MacDuff close behind him, their shoes skidding slightly on the pebbles strewn all over the path.  
Dirk noticed a black cat running alongside them. He frowned in confusion, slowing down a little, only to speed up to the sound of MacDuff shouting: "Speed up!"  
The figure was close behind them, hurling yet another horseshoe in MacDuff's direction.

Dirk swivelled round and shouted "Stop!" which was clearly a bad idea, as into his now open mouth, flew a rabbit's foot. "... URGHGHR" Dirk was quite surprised by this development, understandably so, as when turning round to tell a possible murderer to stop chasing you, a rabbit's foot flying into your mouth is the last thing you would expect to occur next. He spat it out, turned round, and continued running.

"WHO THROWS A HORSESHOE!?" MacDuff yelled, finally identifying the object after a few minutes running. He must've been hit by them seven times now!  
"Round here!" Dirk hissed, grabbing MacDuff and pulling him into a small alcove. And, sure enough, the hooded figure ran right past them.

A little while later, they emerged.

M  
What on Earth was all that about? They're clearly not right in the head... *he rubbed the back of his own head*  
D  
MacDuff! Back to the office. *narrows eyes* I believe I have solved the case. #DGcase1

…..

D  
#DGcase1 -CASE SOLVED- #HolisticDetective

Well, hello everybody! Dirk, Dirk Gently, holistic detective here to talk to you about the case of BAD LUCK! ( #Holistic Detective: #DGcase1 A Harrowing Tale) It was quite simple in the end, really.

A while back, her boyfriend ditched her in favour of the maid. He was a detective. Unfortunately, Janet was quite a fragile woman and this drove her past the breaking point. She thought that life focussed on her and that she was practically the definition of bad luck. Hence the horseshoes that she keeps in her house. She detested all detectives, and consequently attended counselling. She was led to believe that all detectives were evil and that by getting rid of them she was doing the world a favour. She hired four in total (she killed the third, the fourth being me!) and roped them in with her fake stalker nonsense, and under the guise of Misfortune (MISs Janet FORTUNE) she murdered them all. When she chased us she threw seven horseshoes and a rabbit's foot at us, all possessions of Janet, making it clear to me that she was the killer. The police had their suspicions but no conclusive proof. So they bugged a pizza box in an attempt to listen in on her conversations but that only resulted in them listening to me ramble on as I stole the box in an attempt to compensate for my invoice early. Isn't that a stroke of bad luck? As you will see from studying the wall picture, everything is interconnected, with bad luck seeming to play a big part and, quite rightfully, dominate the board. As you may have suspected, the ladder, brick and indeed post-it notes are omens of bad luck in Janet's book, most likely due to experiences at uni. Like the experience MacDuff's contact, Craig had with me when I threw a brick through his window. I saw it landed on a blonde girl... Could it have been her? EVERYTHING'S INTERCONNECTED! Well, the car breaking down, nearly running the policeman over, me stealing the pizza, all several acts of bad luck. And despite figuring this out, now that Janet has been imprisoned, there is no-one to pay my fee.

Bugger.

D  
#DGcase2 THE WALL: by3EAWNe

…..

J  
They can't arrest me. SO WHAT IF I KILLED THREE DETECTIVES!? THEY'RE ALL BASTARDS! I'LL GET YOU EMBRACECHAOS_! I'LL GET YOU!  
D  
I'll send one of the D.I.s round to collect you soon enough, JanetFortune1 *grins* Well, that rounds that up. #DGcase1


End file.
